For Avery

I remember that day almost two years ago
And you felt so heavy in my arms. My grief heavy in my heart.
You were born on the Fourth of July.
Gone the moment you entered the world.
You also died on the Fourth of July.
An occasion you share with your great grandfather before you.
That day was not an end of Avery but a beginning
A beginning of the grief her parents and sisters would share.
Mama cries still sometimes. It surprises her when the tears come.
Papa cries too. I’ve just never seen it done.
Now I’m over protective with your sisters
My two babies I have left
Not to leave the house without their cell phones.
I couldn’t bare it if one left.
Your second birthday is getting closer.
That means Mama and Papa fight more.
We love our baby girl so much
The one who will miss all of her milestones
We’ve put in many of your firsts without you
But those firsts, those are memory’s never made
But those are the only memories We have left.

Love you always baby girl
Mama

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I’m A Tech HO

At last its Friday night and I am snuggled down deep in my head.   And my bed, but I’m digging in my head too.  This is an exciting night for me.  After months of nagging my husband, I finally located a hair on his head I haven’t turned grey yet and I threatened it.  I threatened to yank it.  Make him completely grey if he didn’t allow a new laptop to enter the threshold of our home.  Through blood, sweat, tears and promises of things only I know help me get my own way, he crumbled like everything I’ve ever tried to bake. ( I’m horrible at remembering to set the timer when I’m baking or forgetting ingredients or I’ll get distracted texting with someone I absolutely haven’t texted with for at least 10 minutes. I have a  99.99 percent fail rate, and the 1 percent that isn’t is Pillsbury)  And now I’m writing my blog for the first time on a shiny new laptop.   The laptop I just absolutely couldn’t live without.  Obviously with me having ADHD there are some things I cannot be in charge of.  One of those things is more than a couple hundred bucks at a time.  Otherwise there would be a lot more boxing gear, tech gadgets and boots in our house.  I just had the funniest thought.  If I were to require use of the facilities, they are just across the hall.  My grandparents went to a bathroom in an outhouse. Even in the winter.  They probably had red rings of frostbite on their bums if they slipped while hovering and I wanted a laptop so desperately because the typing on the touchscreen tablet was highly annoying for me and I absolutely couldn’t live like that any longer.  It has become obvious the outhouse would have been a complete fail if I had to resort to that.  Because a tablet was too much of a hassle for me.  I have ADHD, I like to have things done in a hurry, and the processors on tablets are not fast enough for me and I cannot type as fast as I would like.  I became obsessed over it and then I found that grey hair and here I am.   So this morning I was all hyped up buying a laptop and then I brought it home, left it on a chair in the living room, didn’t even open the box for like six hours because I got distracted doing a ton of other stuff.  Finally I got enough focus to fire it up. I played on it for two minutes, looked at my husband ” This set up process is taking forever, I have to get ice packs at Walmart”.  So off to Walmart we went mid set up.  On the laptop I absolutely had to have.  It took me 12 hours to use it.  But now at least I recognize it.  I think my boot collection and technology collection and books, the books…..I need a rule.  You know how they say you shouldn’t go grocery shopping on an empty stomach?  Well I shouldn’t go shopping on an empty stomach or unless my ADHD meds have been in my  system for at least two hours.

The Clock is Ticking

I see the family’s at the mall. The ones pushing a stroller with a bored toddler crying for attention. The parents don’t notice. They are to involved in their cell phones to notice, or at least be annoyed enough by the sound of their flesh and blood crying to bother themselves to comfort the child. And then your husband shows you the news and there is a story of a woman dumping three babies in a dumpster, the first two dying, the third being saved by a passer by who randomly happened to be the screaming infants father. And then there is Facebook. Everyone posting pictures of their big round bellies of great expectations. I envy their innocence. What they don’t think could possibly happen to them. At age twenty-nine I also had great expectations. Six pounds and one ounce of pure baby. Her name was Avery. She was a beautiful chubby baby with rosy cheeks and dark hair. She never took a breath outside my body, so to many people it greatly diminishes the value of her life and the grief that as her mother I feel. There is lots of eye rolling on my behalf. No one wants to talk about Avery. Avery is a dirty word. But I want to talk about her. I have memories. She lived her whole life inside of me. She was my Avery girl. I’m not stupid. I know that I cannot get her back. I know another baby won’t replace her. What my arms and my heart want with this nagging hell that is a cross between feeling hurt, and feeling sick right in the pit of my stomach is to try again. Respect that almost two years has been a good grieving point and push forward. But something is different now. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of Thirty. Now we have to slow down and look at this potential pregnancy differently. We have to take into account we dodged a major bullet that our two living daughters are not showing any symptoms of ADHD and if Avery had it, it died with her. What if we run out of luck on the ADHD wheel of fun and get a child that has ADHD. But what if I didn’t have ADHD and it was heart disease that ran in my family. Would I give it a second thought ? And would it be horrible if the child had ADHD? Am I so unloveable god forbid I have a child just like me? I am a productive member of society, I box, I’m active in my children’s school, I take very good care of my children. I stay on top of their commitments as well as my own. Without the stimulants and as a united front with my husband, to date we have raised two little girls who are smart, funny, excellent students, never get in trouble, never ask for anything unless we tell them we can . They are respectful of their teachers and their peers. And I did that before the diagnosis . So would I be burdening another child if it inherited my ADHD? It’s a tough call. I don’t think it isn’t a reason not move forward. I certainly have not gotten this baby ‘thing’ out of my head. I think a baby would bring a lot of happiness to our home . As far as the ADHD goes , maybe I would be the best mother for that child. One who is compassionate and understanding. Oh wait I already am that mother to my living children. And then there is a chance that the child would not inherit ADHD at all. But there are no guarantees’ in this life. My husband and I have certainly taken what life has grown at us this far, what’s one more time? We survived Mallory and seizures and Sydney the climber and delivering Avery, our child born an angel. We handled it all. And I have ADHD. I know we can do it all, as long as we do it together. And having another baby falling asleep on my chest, making little baby sounds, smelling like little baby’s do… I’ve done it before the diagnosis. As soon as I wear my husband down I will do it again .